Three Dogtags
by Jara
Summary: Colonel Samantha Carter finds herself having to fill the shoes of her CO *Chapter 6: One Face* (S/J ship) PG-13 for violence
1. Chapter 1: Live for me

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. I'm just borrowing.  
  
A/N: I think I'm trying to break the record of writing as many stories I can at ones.  
  
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Chapter 1: Live fore me  
  
The first sun is starting to rise from behind the green valley, casting its first rays of light into the paling blue sky. Soon the last remaining stars will disappear and the second sun will dawn but Colonel Samantha Carter knows her team won't see it happening as they will be back into the familiar catacombs of Cheyenne Mountain.  
  
Behind her she could hear footsteps approaching. His steps have grown more confident after the years that they had been working at the SGC. "We're ready to head out, Sam." Daniels gentle voice tells her and she knows he is standing a couple of meters behind her, waiting for her reply.  
  
"I'll be there in a minute." She answers, not looking away from the valley. She knows he is still there, his feet shuffling into the gravel. "No matter how beautiful other worlds are, they just aren't like earth." Sam tells him, not sure why she is thinking this.  
  
She doesn't need to turn around to know that Daniel is nodding in agreement. "No, they aren't. It might look like an ordinary forest but somehow..."  
  
"It feels different." She finishes his sentence. It did, in so many ways but not only is it different from earth. Everything was different, even the unfamiliar. She is a Colonel now, SG-1 was her team and while she would have been proud about this when she first started to work at the SGC, she couldn't be now. The price had been too high, she thought bitterly. Angry at herself for letting her thoughts trail off like that she glares at the landscape before her. "I hate trees." She spits out and a pang goes through her as she remembers the person who taught her that you can actually dislike them.  
  
"You're sounding l..." Daniel starts but she cuts him off mid-sentence.  
  
"He was right. Trees can be great for cover but they also hide a lot from you." Sam sighs as she knows Daniel isn't responsible for her bad mood and she shouldn't be working it out on him. "I'm sorry, Daniel. I just..." She doesn't know what she wants to say or maybe she does but she just denies the feeling inside her. Something else she learned from him.  
  
"It's alright, Sam." He assures her, like he always does. She can hear him move closer and suddenly his hand is on her shoulder. Sam stiffens momentarily under the touch, sometimes she just forgot how it is like to feel someone touch you without the goal of hitting you. "We all miss him." Daniel adds after a short silence and right away the muscles tighten again.  
  
"I wasn't talking about him." She growls as she turns her head sharply so she can look into his eyes.  
  
"Sam, it's been a year and seven months..." Daniel starts as he doesn't believe her for a second. He knows Jack O'Neill is still on her mind, more than she cares to admit.  
  
"Two weeks and three days." Sam finishes his sentence and stands up, looking down at Daniel who remains kneeled down.  
  
He looks up at her, sympathy in his eyes but she doesn't want it, doesn't need it. After he was gone everyone looked at her like that. As if somehow her lose was bigger than anyone else's. Janet had tried talking to her about it. 'You need to let it out, Sam. You can't keep all these feelings locked up inside you. Eventually it will destroy you. Jack wouldn't have want this. He would want you to move on, to be happy.' What did *they* know about what he wanted? Still, her heart told her that there was truth in the words. She just couldn't allow herself to believe it. If she dealt with the pain, allowed herself to move on she would have to face the fact that he wasn't going to come back. Her breath gets caught in her throat as realisation dawns in her because she knows he won't be coming back. She had seen what happened to him right in front of her eyes and there wasn't a damn thing she could have done to prevented it.  
  
***  
  
"Let her go." Jack O'Neill demands, his arm outstretched as he points his Zat-gun towards the Goa'uld standing before Sam.  
  
Sams eyes move towards her CO and a wave of relief washes through her body as she sees him standing there. She hadn't seen him since she and Daniel had been captured. All her hope of escaping had been set on Jack and now he is here. His words ripping her away from the fate that the Goa'uld has in mind for her. The ribbon device aimed at her head is still dark and she prays it will remain that way.  
  
"None of you will leave here alive." The arrogant reply comes and to Sams horror the ribbon device glows. Her eyes widen as a sharp pain drives into her head, splitting her skill. Everything before her eyes turns white, a searing hot white that casts a veil over everything that is happening around her. Muffled sounds break through it, a cry of someone in agony and the vibration in her throat tells her it is her own voice she can hear. The pain spreads through her whole body and then suddenly another sound. The white light colours slightly blue and then it is gone. Around the corners of her vision everything turns black and her body slumps forward, colliding with the hard cold floor.  
  
"Sam!" Someone shouts her name. The word unfamiliar, not going together with the voice that is filled with panic. Sam puts her hands on the cold surface and tries to push up but her muscles protest and she slumps down again. His footsteps as urgent as his cry come towards her and his strong hands are on her shoulders, pulling her up on her feet. "Sam, can you stand?" He asks, worry sounding through his voice and the blackness around her eyes disappears slowly so she can look into his dark brown questioning eyes.  
  
"I think so." Sam answers weakly but determined as she tries to stand on her own. Her knees protest and give way under her and she knows she would have fallen back on the ground if it weren't for Jack supporting arm around her waist.  
  
"O'Neill, we have to go. I can hear Jaffa coming." Teal'cs urgent call reminds Sam of where she is. As she looks up she can see him supporting a weakened Daniel who apparently Jack and Teal'c had freed before finding her.  
  
She can feel Jack nodding. "Lets get out of here." He says and still supporting her they all leave the room as they head back to the stargate.  
  
Sam tries to recognise where they are heading but the corridors seem to be making a labyrinth and she soon gives up, trusting her CO to get them all back home. Only once do they stumble across two Jaffa but they easily take care of them. The heavy footsteps and the clicking of armour behind them tells them they will not go by unnoticed for long though. Finally they enter the large room where the stargate is.  
  
"Teal'c, dial us home." Jack cries as he nervously tries to sabotage the door without letting go of Sam.  
  
"I can stand on my own." Sam says and slips out of Jacks arms. He looks at her obviously doubting that she can. A quick nod tells her he is convinced she can and he turns his attention completely towards the door and the Jaffa on the other side that are trying to get in.  
  
Behind her she can hear the ring starting to turn and the chevrons locking. This is it, there is a loud whoosh and a blue light fills the room.  
  
"Ok, kids. Lets go." Jack cries as he walks towards the stargate, his back turned towards it and his gun aimed at the doors. There is a loud explosion and soon the room will be filling with Jaffa. But they were going to make it Sam thinks in triumph as she can see Teal'c walking into the shimmering pool and taking Daniel with him.  
  
"Carter, what yah waiting for?" Jack turns half towards her and smiles.  
  
"Nothing, sir." Sam returns the smile and turns, running up to the blue pool. Jack is following close behind her and she is about to step through the gate as she suddenly can hear Jaffa entering the room. Jack starts firing his gun at them and then fear strikes her as a blue light followed by an agonising moan draws her attention.  
  
Sam turns around just in time to see Jack falling down. She quickly gets to him and wants to drag him to his feet but he shakes his head. "Go, Sam! Damnit, just go!" He cries at her, his eyes locking with hers and she can see fear in them. Jack O'Neill was never afraid.  
  
"I'm not leaving you." She says determined and tries to pull him up but his weight is too heavy for her.  
  
"GO! That's an order, Major." He shouts again as he tries to scramble up but falls back again. She shakes her head stubbornly but his eyes look at her pleading. "I need you to live." He says softer and pushes something in her hand. "For me." His fingers close her fist around the cold metal and he pushes her hand against her chest. "Go." He repeats again and Sam stands up, turns around and runs through the stargate, the sound of a zatgun being fired for the second time filling her ears.  
  
The SGC is eerily quiet when her feet make contact with the metal ramp even if the alert is going off. "Close the iris!" She shouts urgently and she can see the doubt in General Hammonds eyes as he looks for his 2IC. "He isn't coming. Close the iris." She repeats and her face feels wet as she clutches the metal in her hand. The voices around her seem far away as she looks down at her fist and opens it. In her hand lies Colonel Jack O'Neills dogtag, ripped from his neck.  
  
***  
  
"I need you to live... for me." Sam can hear his voice still as he softly pleaded for her to escape and let him be. Maybe she could have done something. She could have stayed with him but she had done as he asked. She had left and lived, she had fought the battle he wanted her to continue but without him it meant so much less. When she had proposed to go back and retrieve Jacks body Teal'c had replied that it was useless. Before they came to rescue her and Daniel they had placed explosives all over the goa'uld mothership. It seemed the timer had gone off like they had planned because when they did try to open a wormhole the gate didn't respond which could only mean that there wasn't a stargate left. It left the whole of the SGC with a feeling of defeat. No one was left behind, it was a golden rule Jack held on to himself but she had failed him. Sam hadn't even been able to get his body back for a decent funeral and they couldn't even send flowers back as there wasn't any gate left to send it through. So instead they held a wake at his house. The whole SGC was there and Sam even spend some time talking to Sara. It was supposed to be a closure but she couldn't bring herself to it. Especially not when it appeared Jack had a will and he had left her everything. Not to his ex-wife, not to Daniel but her, his 2IC who had failed to bring him back home. Sara had asked if she would sell the house or live in it herself but she couldn't do either one. It was Jacks house and she loved it but the memories were too painful for her to go live in it and she couldn't bring it over her heart to sell it for the same reasons. So now the house stood empty, everything untouched, exactly as it was when he left. When days got tough she went there, just for a moment to allow herself the illusion that he was going to walk into the door any minute but he never did.  
  
"Sam?" Daniel pulls her out of her thoughts and she realises that he has been talking to her all the time. His eyes are filled with worry but she just shakes her head.  
  
"Come on, lets head home." She turns on her heels and walks back to the campsite where Teal'c and Captain Moore have already packed up everything.  
  
"Ready to go?" Sam asks them.  
  
Teal'c bows his head slightly. "We are."  
  
Sam doesn't say anything more as she picks up her pack and secures it. Soon everyone including Daniel is ready and they walk back to the stargate in silence, Sam is up front just like he normally would be. Every few minutes she turns around to see if her team is still with her. She hadn't just inherited his house, she suddenly realises. He also left behind the responsibilities he used to carry on his shoulders. Making decisions day in day out that could easily changes the lives of everyone under her command. It's only now that she fully understands why he sometimes was reluctant while she and Daniel would be jumping with joy at a new discovery.  
  
"I need you to live... for me." She was, she was living the life he left behind. Stepping in his footsteps in more than one way.  
  
Sighing she turns back around and continues walking. Under her shirt she feels the cool metal of her dogtags hitting her naked skin. Not the standard two plaques but three.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED (that is if you would like to know where this is going so please let me know) 


	2. Chapter 2: A sort of homecoming

A/N: Wow, I can't believe the replies I had to this story. Thank you everyone! Must say that it got me a bit nervous but I hope this next chapter won't let you down.  
  
Chapter 2: A sort of homecoming  
  
There is nothing like a good shower after coming back from an off-world mission, Sam decides as she makes her way to infirmary for the standard check up. It let you believe that just for a couple of minutes your thoughts get drained down the gutter together with the dust and sweat. Turning around the corner Sam nearly walks into Daniel.  
  
"Oh, Sam! Sorry." The archaeologist exclaims in surprise, some things just never changed no matter what happens.  
  
"It's ok, Daniel." Sam assures him.  
  
"I... er... was heading towards my lab. I have some things to do..." He thinks as he looks at his boots instead of her face.  
  
"Okay." She says frowning as she looks at her friend. He has guilt written all over him.  
  
"I'll catch you later at the debriefing." He mutters and then scurries off as if something just bit him in the ass. Shrugging Sam enters the infirmary finding Dr. Frasier signing Daniel's chart.  
  
"Hey, Janet." Sam greets her friend and right away sits down on a bed, knowing the routine by heart by now.  
  
"Hi, Sam." Janet smiles, puts the chart aside as she walks up to her friend and starts her examination. "How are you feeling?" The tone of her voice suggests that she isn't just talking about her physical state.  
  
"Just peachy." Sam answers annoyed and flinches at her words. Why did she have to do that? Why were it his words that always seemed to slip from her tongue just at the moment when she thought that for a second she was nearly normal again.  
  
By the look on Janet's face she had noticed as well. "Sam, you do know that we are all here for you if you want to talk about... Jack."  
  
Not sooner has she spoken his name or Sam jolts up from where she was sitting as if her pants are on fire. "I don't need to talk about it!" She assures her friend a bit too eagerly and then she realises that Daniel must have said something to the doctor. "Did Daniel put you up to this?"  
  
Janet puts her hands gently on Sam's shoulders and tries to push her back unto the bed. "He's just worried about you. We all are." She adds softly and Sam stops fighting back and lets the doctor ease her back unto the bed.  
  
Sam's shoulders slump and she looks down at the tip of her boots. "I'm alright, Janet. I just... sometimes..." She doesn't look up as she tries to find a way to finish the sentence without bursting out in tears.  
  
"Miss him?" Janet proposes as she sees her friend struggling with emotions that seem to be going far deeper and she'll ever dare to admit.  
  
Carter lets out a loud snort in reply and buries her face into her hands. Janet swallows and carefully places her hand on Sam's shoulder. She can feel how the muscles are tensed up as if she was prepared to tackle a dozen Jaffa's who could walk into the infirmary any moment.  
  
"Janet, this really isn't the time or the place to talk about it." Sam straightens her back and looks into her eyes. Her jaw is set determined and the doctor knows that whatever emotions that were troubling her friend just moments ago are now at bay again. It was actually amazing how much Sam was able to keep locked inside her. Secretly Janet had thought that she would have broken down shortly after O'Neill's death but she hadn't. So every day she would look at her friend and try to find something to give away the feelings that probably were haunting her. But that moment never came and by some invisible determination Samantha Carter got on with her work. Just her work though, as far as Janet could tell Sam's social life was virtually non- existent. Only Cassie seemed to be able to drag her outside of her house or Cheyenne Mountain these days.  
  
"Ok, why don't you drop by at my place tonight and we'll talk then?" Janet tries even though she knows it's futile and Sam will just turn her down.  
  
For a second though Sam seems to consider it but then she shakes her head. "No, I have work to do. There is still a heap of paperwork waiting for me in my in-tray and I have to examine an object SG-9 brought back with them last week from PZB-348."  
  
Janet lets out a deep sigh. "How on earth can your in-tray be full when all you do these days is work? I don't think you even leave the Mountain anymore!" She says sharply, tired of having to deal with all these excuses every time she suggested to do something outside of work.  
  
"I didn't say full!" Sam objects.  
  
"Ah! I don't care. Sam, when is the last time you took some time off?" Doctor Fraiser would like to know. As there isn't a reply she continues. "I don't believe you have taken a day off every since the Colonel died." She points out and then regrets her words at the mention of Jack for a second allows the hurt behind Sam's blue eyes to break through the barriers. But she wasn't backing off now, at least she had a reaction.  
  
"I have!" Sam protests as she has recovered from the momentarily *weakness*. "With Christmas, I went to see Mark."  
  
"Sure, after your dad forced you to!" Janet shakes her head and wants to continue the argument when her voice gets drowned out by the speakers that come to life.  
  
*Unauthorised off world activation*  
  
"Who is off-world?" Sam asks the doctor, glad to escape the route this questioning was taking.  
  
"SG-2, 6 and 10." Janet answers. "But they aren't due back in another 18 hours."  
  
Before Janet can protest or object Sam slips off the bed and leaves the infirmary.  
  
"Sam, I haven't finished your examination!" Doctor Fraiser calls after her but Carter ignores it.  
  
Sam prays that when she gets back to the infirmary she will have some kind of news that will keep Janet occupied. She knows that her friend just wants to help but right now, she doesn't need any help. Couldn't they understand that she didn't want to feel better? The pain had become a part of her job. Out there she would fight, put aside her grief and all emotions related to it. Her mind was focused and keeping her team safe was all that really mattered. For a second she considers that maybe this was exactly what Jack O'Neill had been doing. The job just temporarily keeping him away from the sense of loss that he felt thinking back to Charlie and Sara. But as she entered the control room she pushed the thoughts aside. Right here she was Colonel Samantha Carter, a USAF officer.  
  
The alarm is still blaring as General Hammond stands behind Graham Simmons. In the gate room the SF's are aiming their guns at the stargate. The impressing metal ring is obstructed by the iris, giving them all a somewhat false sense of security. The iris has proven it's worth on numerous times before but it had also shown that it wasn't infallible.  
  
"Are we receiving a GDO?" Hammond asks, his eyes fixed on the gate, maybe he too was considering what dangers were trying to come through the gate to torment Cheyenne Mountain. A blue shimmering light across the back wall testifies of the presence of the wormhole but there are no thuds betraying that someone is trying to come through.  
  
"No, sir." Simmons replies and there is an eerie silence as everyone continues to watch the stargate, as if somehow it would tell them who was on the other side if they just kept watching long enough.  
  
"Sir." It's Simmons' tense voice that draws Sam's and the General's attention back to the computer screen and suddenly numbers are appearing there. "I'm receiving a GDO." He informs them but there is disbelieve in his voice.  
  
"Who is it from?" Hammond urges him to continue speaking.  
  
"It's SG-1's." The reply comes and Sam and Hammond look at each other confused.  
  
"That's impossible, we're all on base." Sam says right away and she leans over Simmons' shoulder to see with her own eyes what he replies after that.  
  
"It's an old GDO, the one assigned to SG-1 about the time..."  
  
Sam doesn't let him finish the sentence. "That Colonel O'Neill died." She pushes away from the screen and looks at the General. "Sir, open the iris." She doesn't know what she is feeling as her heart beats in her ears. A wrenching feeling settles in her chest as she looks pleadingly at the General.  
  
"Colonel, for all we know the goa'uld got hold of his GDO and are waiting with an army on the other side of the gate.  
  
"Sir, if that was so we would be hearing Jaffa bump into the iris right now. For all we know the next sound we hear is Colonel O'Neill." She points towards the stargate and prays there won't be a thud to confirm her words.  
  
"If it is Colonel O'Neill he will wait for us to send a MALP through and confirm that it really is him." Hammond tries to reason with Sam but she shakes her head fervently.  
  
"Sir, he might not have the time to wait for a MALP to be send back!" She argues, panic creeping into her voice. "If he really is alive and trying to come back, who knows in what circumstances he is right now. We can not risk it. Too much is at stake. Please, open the iris." She would be begging on her knees if she knew it would help convince the General.  
  
Her words seem to have their effect on the elder man as he nods. "Open the iris." He commands Simmons and bows towards the microphone to give the SF's in the gate room their orders.  
  
Sam doesn't wait to listen to what he is saying. As soon as she heard him agree to open the iris she bolted out of the control room, down the stairs and on her way to the gate room. She enters just in time to see the iron shielding pull back to reveal the shimmering surface of the stargate. The soldiers around her tense, their weapons aimed at whatever or whoever might be coming through any second now.  
  
She can hear footsteps behind her and briefly turns to notice the General has entered the gate room as well. Not a very strategic move from him, the Colonel inside her remarks. If Jack is really dead and armed forces are waiting to invade the mountain right now, he shouldn't be in the frontline. Together with that thought Sam realises what is really keeping everyone in the room so quiet and tense. It isn't the idea of a whole army of Jaffa swarming through the gate right now. It is something else she reads on Daniel's and Teal'c's face as both men enter the gate room closely behind General Hammond, Sam hadn't even noticed their presence earlier. The white robe in the hall tells her even Janet is here, waiting with a medical team. Swallowing Sam turns her head back towards the gate, it was hope that tied them all together right now. Hope that either would be crushed any second now or maybe just maybe...  
  
Her muscles tense at the idea, her heart seems to stop beating in her chest as she finally realises what is happening. Jack O'Neill could be alive. After all that time, he could still be out there, living, breathing. She doesn't notice that her hands are shaking, doesn't notice she just walked up to the end of the ramp, disregarding the shouts from the SF standing next to her to go back. Her eyes are fixed on the middle of the stargate, the surface of the wormhole is rippling and soon something comes through, the end of a staff-weapon. She sucks in a breath, her world shattering once more. The hope turning into a panic, she just begged to have the iris open for a goa'uld army. She just sealed the fate of the entire earth because she wanted to believe that the man she left behind almost two years ago is still alive.  
  
Suddenly a hand is on her shoulder and she is being pulled back by the SF. She can hear his angry voice, telling her she should stay behind them but the sick fascination inside her chooses to ignore his warnings. Before her eyes the staff-weapon gets pulled back and then the person on the other side makes up his mind and pushes through the surface. No one dares to move as the man puts his feet firmly on the metal ramp.  
  
"Close the iris." His voice rings out and the familiarity makes Sam shudder. No one seems to move in the gate room. Not the SF's, not the General, Daniel, Teal'c, the doctor or the man on top of the ramp. Sam can't make out the features of his face, she is too far away to see his dark eyes and the expression behind them. But she does recognise his posture, the way he is holding the staff-weapon, the sound of command in his voice. It's all there, too familiar to not be recognised but at the same time too different to be real. The immobile universe that just came into being inside the gate room gets shattered as a staffblast comes through the wormhole and the impressing figure at the end of the gate ducks. "CLOSE THE DAMN IRIS!" He barks again, driving any feeling of being stuck in a dream away. This is real, this couldn't be any more real.  
  
The gate room breathes again, hands tighten around the weapons they are clutching so fiercely. Behind the lines another commanding voice rises up, ordering Simmons to close the iris. And as slowly movement returns to the room, the figure at the end of the ramp lets the staff-weapon fall down. The clatter of metal on metal drowns out the voices around her and the iris covers the blue shimmering lake, putting the lonesome figure in front of the stargate in a shadow. His knees buckles under him as if the trinium shield just cut of the cords that were keeping him on his feet. As he falls down on the hard, cold ramp Sam can feel herself running towards him. She forgets all the people around her as she falls down on her knees next to him. Her eyes travel over his body, needing to make sure this is really him and not some figment of her imagination. Her fingers are on his throat, looking for a pulse, a sign of life. Her lips are moving in a silent prayer.  
  
"Please be alive, please be alive." She mutters it, no one but her and him hearing the words. There is a beat, slow and barely noticeable but it's there all the same. Her eyes sweep over his face, the long beard betraying the lack of hygiene on whatever planet he was. Then she notices his dark brown eyes are watching her, Sam can look right into his soul and for a second she reads the pain, the fear, the longing, the relief and the hope in there.  
  
"Carter," he whispers and she can feel his hand clutching her sleeve. Then his eyes flutter closed and he loses consciousness.  
  
Sam gasps for air as he recognises her, the hand that was holding on to her falls from her arm to the ground. She gently picks it up and puts it over his chest. "It's okay, sir. You're home." She whispers as she notices something glittering on his chest, half covered by the dirty robe he is wearing instead of his normal BDU's.  
  
A strong hand on her shoulder forces Sam to look up. Janet is sitting at the other side of the unconscious man, examining him quickly and trying to assess if they can move him without danger.  
  
"Colonel Carter, I think it would be wise to give Doctor Fraiser room to work." The low but gentle voice of Teal'c informs her. His fingers tighten around her shoulder as to try and convince her of the necessity to move away. But Sam couldn't, not until she was sure. So instead of standing up she reaches out and gently pushes the robe aside, uncovering the scarred skin of his chest. The glitter that drew her attention is nothing else than the man's dogtag, not the standard two plaques but just one.  
  
Sam's breath gets caught in her throat and she can feel the whole world spinning around her. Hope gets replaced by a certainty that is as liberating as it is terrifying. Colonel Jack O'Neill has returned home after one year, eight months, two weeks and three days. The hand on her shoulder pulls her up on her feet again to allow the medics to move him unto a stretcher.  
  
"Is he alright?" Daniel asks and Sam is surprised to find him standing by her side.  
  
"I don't know, Daniel." Comes the uncertain answer from the doctor. She shouts some orders to her medical staff and they quickly push the stretcher outside the gate room. SG-1 remains standing on the ramp, looking how their former CO gets wheeled outside. There doesn't seem to be any words between them that could explain what they are thinking.  
  
"Why don't you three accompany me to the infirmary?" General Hammond asks standing at the beginning of the ramp. Sam nods, she knows it isn't an order but takes it as one as right now her brain seems to have frozen up entirely.  
  
"Yes, sir." She answers softly and walks up to the General, Teal'c's hand finally falling from her shoulder as she makes the movement.  
  
"I can't believe this is happening." Daniel whispers amazed and she half expects him to start rambling, to come up with idea's about what could have happened to Jack during all those months that he was gone. To her relief he doesn't, he just walks by her side and Teal'c follows them.  
  
In silence they walk to the infirmary, no one knows what to say. It felt like a dream and Sam just wasn't sure if it was a good one or a nightmare. A nurse informs them that they will have to wait outside until Doctor Fraiser is finished with the Colonel. General Hammond agrees but not before ordering her to come and report to them as soon as she knows anything for certain.  
  
Daniel falls down in one of the plastic chairs outside and General Hammond takes the one beside him. Teal'c doesn't see the need to sit down and remains standing next to Daniel Jackson. His stoic face betrays nothing of emotion and Sam can't help but wonder how the Jaffa is infected by this all. It isn't so much that she wants to know what Teal'c is thinking, not that she doesn't care, but she knows that if she right now goes into her own feelings she might not get out again. She draws up a wall inside her, pushing all the impressions back behind it until she can tear it down again when no one is watching her.  
  
It is two hours later when finally the door to the infirmary opens again and Doctor Fraiser walks outside as Sam is trying to decide whether the time is going really slow or really fast. She pushes herself back on her feet and looks at her friend, waiting for what she has to tell. Of course she isn't the only one interested as both Daniel and General Hammond stand up together. Even Teal'c seems to rise up even though he hadn't been sitting down.  
  
"Doctor, how is he doing?" Hammond asks.  
  
Janet sighs as she holds the chart against her chest protectively. "That depends how you look at it, sir." She answers as she too seems to have mixed feelings about Colonel O'Neill's return. "There are still some tests I would like to perform tomorrow but I think it is safe to say that physically he is going to be alright... given enough time to recuperate of course. He has some cuts and bruises over his body and is suffering from dehydration and malnutrition. Basically his body is exhausted at the moment. Telling by the scar tissue I have found all over his body I think he must have been tortured. He regained consciousness just a couple of minutes ago but he is really very weak and I'm not sure what the psychological impact of this all was."  
  
Hammond nods. "Doctor, I know we are all happy to see Colonel O'Neill back but is there any chance that he might be a danger to the SGC?" Sam knows that he has to ask this, they couldn't ignore the attempts to destroy the Mountain that already had been made in the past. The goa'uld never thought twice about using people for this purpose, they had used Cassie, Teal'c's son and Martouf.  
  
"As far as I can tell he is clean, sir. I haven't found anything to prove that they somehow messed with him. I'm hoping the tests I will do tomorrow will confirm that." Janet answers, putting them all at ease again.  
  
"Very well, Doctor." Hammond smiles at her.  
  
"Er..., Janet?" Daniel speaks up now and the doctor turns to him smiling. "Can we see him?" He asks pushing his glasses up a bit and with an expecting look watches the doctor.  
  
"He needs to get some rest, Daniel. I just gave him a sedative." Janet objects, thinking about what is best for her patient.  
  
"Yeah, I know but just a minute. We haven't seen him for over a year and a half!" The archaeologist looks at her pleadingly, knowing she can't ignore the fact that they all, herself included, missed Colonel O'Neill even though he could be a pain in the neck sometimes.  
  
Janet sighs and nods. "Ok, but just for a minute. And don't keep him talking. He needs to rest." She looks threateningly at everyone to get her point across.  
  
"Sure." Daniel grins and heads into the infirmary, followed by Teal'c and then General Hammond and Fraiser who are discussing the condition of the patient.  
  
Sam is left standing in the hall and then walks up to the door. She nearly enters the infirmary when she hears the soft voice of Daniel and then a low and exhausted reply from the Colonel. As soon as she hears him, Sam freezes right where she is standing. She never thought to hear that voice again. Even though he sounds tired, she can hear a sense of relief in it. Her chest tightens as she replays in her head the moment she last saw him. He had asked her to leave, and she had done as she had been told. She had left him behind and god knows what Jack O'Neill had gone through all those months while she had taken his place at the SGC and in SG-1. She had considered him dead, never to return here ever again. A strangled gasp escapes her throat and she turns on her heels, fleeing from the infirmary, fleeing from the man inside and the emotions he awakes inside of her.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
Oh don't sorrow, no don't weep  
  
For tonight, at last  
  
I am coming home  
  
(U2 ~ A sort of homecoming) 


	3. Chapter 3: Fear of emptiness

Chapter 3: Fear of emptiness  
  
"So tough to stay with this thing 'Cos if I follow through I face what I denied I'll get those hooks out of me And I'll take out the hooks that I sunk deep in your side Kill that fear of emptiness, that loneliness I hide"  
  
(Peter Gabriel ~ Washing of the water)  
  
The enticing promise of sleep is pulling Jack O'Neill away from consciousness. In the back of his mind he is aware of his surroundings. He isn't any longer in the dark, damp prison cell where he had spend the last... how long was it? Too long, for sure but he doesn't need to think about it anymore. Finally, after nearly giving up hope he is home again. Right now even the infirmary and Doctor Fraiser with her needles sounds like heaven to him. The mattress is softer than anything he could remember, whispering him to just let go and give in to the sedative he had received. But he resists, his mind telling him that there is something he had to do first.  
  
"Colonel?" A soft voice standing near his bed is trying to find out how much asleep he already is. It takes a lot of willpower but he forces his eyes open. For a second everything is blurry and his eyelids weigh heavy, demanding him to get back to sleep. Like the Colonel he is of course he doesn't give in and slowly the face sharpens. "You have some visitors." Fraiser informs him smiling gently.  
  
There is a shuffling sound coming from the other side of the bed and as fast as he can, which apparently isn't fast at all, Jack turns his head to find out who is there. All his muscles should be aching but whatever the Doc had given him earlier was doing a pretty good job and kept the sensation numb.  
  
"Hey, Jack." Although Daniel whispers the words, the enthusiasm and eagerness is undoubtedly present.  
  
Jack feels a warm feeling wash over his exhausted body. It is so good to see his friend again. "Daniel." He is a bit surprised at how rough his voice sounds.  
  
"God, it's good to see you." Daniel exclaims with relief and pulls of his glasses, wiping at his eyes. Then without thinking he leans in and embraces his supposedly-dead-friend as tightly as he can. The rush movement hurts Jack but he doesn't show it. So what if even Colonel Jack O'Neill needed a hug once in a while?  
  
"Daniel, careful." Fraiser warns the archaeologist. Apparently she hasn't changed at all and like a hawk is aware of everything that is going on with her patients.  
  
"Ah, sorry." Daniel pulls back a bit embarrassed and puts his glasses back on. Still, a big broad smile is lightening up his face and by the looks of it Jack doesn't think it will be going away soon. He feels just the same and would probably be grinning as stupidly if he just didn't feel so tired.  
  
A dark and firm hand comes to rest on Daniel's shoulder and its owner takes a step forward, drawing Jack's attention to the impressive Jaffa.  
  
"I am pleased to see you, O'Neill. You were severely missed by everyone at the SGC." Teal'c announces solemnly and Jack blames it on the sedative because he would just swear that the normally so composed Jaffa was smiling as broadly as Daniel.  
  
"I agree with Teal'c and Daniel. I'm glad to have you back, son." General Hammond declared, not as solemn as Teal'c but more like a father who finally found his lost son again.  
  
"Thank you, sir." Jack answers, giving them all the best smile he can manage. His eyes go over every person again and then he realises one particular face is missing. A smile he had been longing for even more than he allowed himself to know. He turns his head and scans the whole infirmary but can't see her. Right away his heart sinks and a fear takes control of him. Had he dreamt her presence at the stargate? "Where's Carter?" He croaks weakly, cursing inwardly at how vulnerable he sounds.  
  
"Sam?" Daniel frowns and turns around. "She was right behind us." He walks away from the bed and disappears into the hall. A couple of seconds later he is back again and shrugs. "She was right here... maybe she had some work to do." He suggests but the frown on his face betrays that he doesn't really believe that himself.  
  
Jack just nods. "I'm sure, Carter is always busy with something." His voice is under more under control again and he is sure that they can't hear the disappointment in it. He had been gone for... "How long was I away?" He asks wanting to know for sure.  
  
"One year, eight months, two weeks and three days." Doctor Fraiser and Daniel answer at once as if they both have been keeping score.  
  
For a second it is like he had no painkillers or sedative at all. He knew he had been long for a long time but he had hoped that somehow it wasn't as long as it had felt. Time didn't really fly by when you were... He abruptly cuts of those thoughts, not wanting to go into it. He lost more than a year and a half to a hell hole. Everything around him went spinning and he shuts his eyes tightly. Even after all this time Carter apparently didn't seem to have missed him as she was off in her lab, taking apart god knows what doohickey. All these months her face and smile had kept him going and now he was back he realised he had been holding on to an illusion.  
  
"Son," the gently voice of Hammond cuts through Jack's thoughts. "You have been gone for a long time and I'm sure you're as curious about everything that happened here as we are about what happened to you." He waits for a moment for Jack to reply but he just can't bring himself to it. His body is torn with emotions he just can't control and speaking now would make him crack for good. So he just nods and Hammond continues. "I'm sure SG-1 will be more than happy to bring you back up to speed. But you also know that when the time is right, you will have to tell us what happened to you. Only when you're ready of course."  
  
Jack nods again, still not opening his eyes. He knows Hammond will have to get a report from him and that there is information he should give them but right now he doesn't want to think about it. He is home, finally after one year, eight months, two weeks and three days and the last thing he wants to think about right now is that... place.  
  
A soft hand comes to rest on his shoulder. "I think the Colonel should get some rest now." Fraiser tells his visitors. "You can all come back tomorrow." She squeezes his shoulder reassuringly and Jack knows that no matter how good he is at hiding his feelings, Janet is really good at recognising them. Her hand moves away again leaving him strangely cold behind. There is shuffling around his bed as Teal'c, Hammond and Daniel say their goodbyes and tell him they will see him tomorrow. Jack nods and returns the greetings, only vaguely aware of what he is saying. He kids himself that it's just his tiredness that is blurting everything, that it isn't the pain and disappointment of not finding the face he had been dreaming about.  
  
Daniel doesn't give him a lot of time to kid himself though. "I'm sure Sam will drop by tomorrow as well." He assures Jack. "Night." With that he is gone, leaving Jack nearly gasping for air.  
  
Did he really mean so little to her that she couldn't be bothered to put aside her paperwork or doohickey or whatever to come and see him? The question painfully stays with him until the sedative forces him to give up his silent torture and give in to the bittersweet darkness of sedative induced sleep.  
  
***  
  
Sam wasn't sure how she got here, the drive from Cheyenne Mountain to Jack's house is nothing more than a hazy blur in her mind. She vaguely is aware of the fact that she shouldn't drive at all in this condition but she just had to get out of there. So now here she is, sitting in the chair on top of O'Neill's roof.  
  
It's a cold but clear night and Sam is sure that she can see more stars than normally. Even now after being able to travel to those little points of light, she still could watch them with the same naïve kind of awe a child possesses. The stars make her feel humble and insignificant and right now that is how she wants to feel. She wants to trample down her own feelings, ignore she even has them.  
  
*Oh god, he's back.*  
  
The cause of this avalanche of feelings pops up in her mind, not wanting to be suppressed. It's everything she wanted for so long. That somehow this nightmare where she got stuck in the moment she stepped through the stargate without her CO, would end. She wanted to wake up and have somebody tell her it was a dream and that the last year hadn't happened at all. She would gladly have given up her new rank if she only just could serve under Jack again. Now the nightmare had come to an end, but the relief inside her brought a bitter taste with it.  
  
Sam draws in a sharp breath and the freezing night air fills her lungs. She shudders as the cold now becomes a part of her. Rising to her feet she wraps her arms around her chest protectively. She hadn't just woken up to find it all was just a bad dream. He was home but at what price? What hell had he gone through? She closes her eyes, turning away from the beautiful night sky. In her mind she is back in the gate room, Jack O'Neill lying on the metal ramp. The dogtag glistening on his chest and only now does she allow herself to look at the skin instead of the metal. The scars, some seem fresh, others were already healed but refused to withdraw from their victims body and soul.  
  
"Oh Jack. I'm so sorry." She whispers even if she knows he can't hear her.  
  
In her mind it is more than clear who is responsible for those wounds. It was his rule: no one gets left behind and she had gone against it. She had turned her back on him and left him alone on the goa'uld mothership to die. Only he hadn't died and now he had gone through who knows what kind of hell.  
  
Suddenly a name from Jack O'Neill's past came to her: Cromwell. As if it were yesterday she remembers the anger that Jack had held for this man. It had been Cromwell who had left him behind to be tortured day and night for four months in an Iraqi prison. If Jack had held such a grudge against him, how on earth would he ever be able to forgive her? She hadn't even gone looking for him. No, instead she had taken his place on SG-1. A promotion had soon followed and so she had completely replaced him. Everyone seemed to think it had only been natural that she should step forward but she soon had found out that filling Colonel O'Neill's shoes was nothing evident at all. His presence or better the lack thereof had left a hole the size of the Grand Canyon behind in the SGC. Not a day had passed by that she hadn't thought about what he would have done or how he would have reacted.  
  
Sam reaches down under her jacket and shirt and pulls out her dogtags. The streetlight dully lights up the names on the metal plaques but not enough to make it readable. She didn't know what force had kept her from handing Jack's dogtag to General Hammond. After informing him about what happened she had left the gate room, the metal clutched in her hand. Only when she had been trying to drown herself in the showers did she realise she was still holding on to it. Without thinking she had attached it to her own dogtags and hadn't taken it off ever since. Back then it had felt like she could keep something of him close to her heart. Now, looking back at it, it seemed like that small gesture had determined what would happen next: slowly she would take up his duties and try to fill the void he left behind.  
  
Sighing Sam sits down again in the chair, placing her heels on the seat. She rests her chin on her knees and wraps her arms around her legs, trying to preserve as much warmth as she can. But Sam wasn't so foolish not to realise that the cold really was inside her. Of course she could just go home but she knew for sure that wouldn't take away the shivers emanating from the core of her chest.  
  
An urge to get up and drive back to Cheyenne Mountain slowly takes control of her. Sam didn't know what possessed her to just run away instead of entering the infirmary. She snorts at that thought. Of course she knows what had possessed her: Fear, with a capital F. Samantha Carter was scared that Jack would look at her and right away blame her for everything that happened to him. That like Cromwell she was first in line on his grudge list and she knows very well that Colonel Jack O'Neill rarely comes back from his decision to place you on that black list. But if she is truly honest, maybe it wasn't his accusing words that were scaring her. She knew that if she entered that room, the emotions that kept tugging at her heart, making her ache with every beat would come surging up and would refuse to lie down. So many regrets had plagued her mind over the last year and she wasn't sure that now that a chance had come up to undo them that she would refuse it like duty prescribes.  
  
So instead of trying to make sure that the man lying in the infirmary down in Cheyenne Mountain is really her lost CO, she is sitting on the roof of that same man's house, trying with all her might to not maintain the little hold she has on herself.  
  
***  
  
Doctor Janet Fraiser is sitting her office, her eyes going over the last lab results that just came in from Colonel O'Neill's blood test. She smiles relieved as there doesn't seem to be any source of worry. He's a bit anaemic but she is already treating him for that and is sure he will recover from it.  
  
Sighing she looks up at the thick medical file lying on her desk. Jack O'Neill had gone through a lot already in this lifetime, more than anyone ever should. Physically he always seemed to recover pretty well. He can thank his parents for the thick bones he inherited. But that isn't why she is worried about him right now. Next to her are lying several x-rays from every bone in his body and it seemed like about half of them had been broken at some time or another. The disturbing part is that most of them seem to have happened after he disappeared. Same counted for the scars covering his body. Some would heal fully but some nasty ones would probably stay with him for life. She just can't help but wonder how far down those scars ran.  
  
It isn't really a hidden fact anymore to the personnel at Cheyenne Mountain that the Colonel had struggled with a depression after his son's death. What less people knew though was the depression he went through after his imprisonment in Iraq. He had crawled inside the thick walls that still surround every emotion the man holds and even his wife had hardly been able to get through to him. They had sent him to every psychiatrist in the USAF with no success at all. Apparently he even hit the last one a nice shiner. The file didn't say what got him through the depression, what broke those walls enough to give him a clean bill of health and Fraiser suspects that maybe they never did. That they had needed the best and had sent a traumatised O'Neill back into battle.  
  
She puts the results back down and tries to think of the best way to inform O'Neill tomorrow that he would have to talk to Doctor MacKenzie. That would go down really well, she is sure.  
  
Suddenly her eyes are drawn towards the infirmary. Maybe it's a part of your medical training but the slightest movement in that room never goes unnoticed to her.  
  
In the scarcely lit room a figure is standing close by the door. Janet doesn't need to get closer to recognise the posture and the golden hair. She wonders what had kept Sam away from the infirmary earlier but whatever it was, it couldn't keep her away forever. Janet smiles as she remembers how the man lying in the bed Sam is staring at used to do the same. In the middle of the night he would turn up in the doorframe and stand there for ages, staring at the sleeping form of his CI2. The moment Janet would glance away and look back again he would be gone as if she had dreamt it.  
  
She watches Sam standing there immobile, her arms hanging stiffly by her side. She shudders slightly and her arms go protectively around her chest all the while her eyes seem to be fixed unto the bed as if willing O'Neill to wake up. She takes a hesitant step forward, one more and a third finally placing her at the end of his bed. Nothing about her posture is determined anymore and the hands clutching her upper arms seem to be keeping her straight.  
  
In the dark Sam's lips move but Janet can not hear the words she whispers. Sighing the doctor glances down at the papers in front of her and wonders if Sam will still be there if she looks up or if just like the man who's place she has taken the last year, she will disappear like a ghost.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
A/N: Ah, sweet, my exams are nearly over so this is a pre celebration of it I guess. I have so many ideas where I want to take this next, it's agonising to rule one out. Sometimes writing can be so cruel. Please let me know if you liked this chapter or if I'm going to slow here (personally I like slow). Thank you all for sticking with me in this story, I hope it is worth it. 


	4. Chapter 4: Peace of Mind

Chapter 4: Peace of Mind  
  
by Jara

_"Knew you would leave  
your goal more important than my grief  
I used to love what I do  
You left and took my passion with you"_   
  
(Hooverphonic - Others delight)   
  
_"Who is Carter?" Yani asks as her soft hands explore the gash running down from his chest to his abdomen. Jack clenches his yaws shut and tries not to cry out. How on earth did she expect him to answer any question while she is doing a very good impression of his torturers.   
  
As there is no reply the hands stop moving and Yani repeats the question. "Who is Carter?"   
  
Jack opens his eyes, relieved that she has stopped prodding him. Doctor Fraiser could learn a whole lot from this woman, he thinks grimly. "Where have you heard from Carter?" He asks her suspiciously.   
  
"You spoke of her when they brought you back to your cell. The fire was burning within you and you were talking to her." Yani explains patiently as she picks up the cloth and starts cleaning the wound. If Jack wasn't so pigheaded not to give his captors any pleasure he would probably be screaming so loud they would hear him on the other side of the planet. He knows that beneath the deep cut on his torso some of his ribs have cracked, making any touch unbearable, let alone the *tender* cares of Yani. "You told her to go, to live for you." The woman continues as she still doesn't get a reply.   
  
Jack squeezes his eyes tightly shut, Sam's face clearer before him than any other face he had seen after she left through the stargate. He wishes it would be another memory that would fill his mind, one where she would be smiling at him. Or that slightly worried and endearing look she got when she tried to compare the universe with an apple and realised she had lost him during the explanation. Instead he saw the panic and terror in her eyes. The pleading not to give her the order to leave him. The pain at the idea of leaving him behind to die. But he had to get her out of there, he couldn't have lived with himself if she had to go through this hell because of him. Ordering her to leave hadn't worked because as a good soldier she would argue about it and have refused to leave him. So he had pleaded her to go, not for herself but for him and he knew that she wouldn't deny him that. And he is grateful still that he had done that, he could live through this as long as he knew that she is safe on earth. Even if safe isn relative in the SGC.   
  
"O'Neill! Are you going to answer my question?" The woman demands now.   
  
"Carter is a colleague. She fought with me." Jack explains and notices that Yani is dressing the wound again.   
  
"A woman who fights?" Yani wrinkles her nose as the whole idea is preposterous to her. "Women should not be fighting, negative actions are for men. Women heal, through love." She explains as if that's the most natural thing on earth... well in the universe.   
  
"If I would dare to say that to Carter she would tackle me and ignore me for the next couple of months." He replies proud of his Major.   
  
"She must be a strong woman to have won your heart." Yani observes and studies his face for any sign of emotion.   
  
"She is." Jack tries to sound as neutral as he can. Although Yani seems to be a kind woman he is still wary of what information he gives her. He can't understand why the Goa'uld would allow a healer, as Yani had introduced herself, to take care of him. Maybe it was a way to get him to trust her and give the information that they were trying to obtain through a more painful method.   
  
Yani nods and pulls his robe back down. "You must rest. They will be coming back for you soon now that the fever has settled down again." She wants to stand up but Jack quickly reaches out for her and grasps her wrist .   
  
"Why do they send you to me? Why heal me when they want to break me to give them information?" He wants to know.   
  
He receives an all knowing smile from the woman. "The Tauri are an important species. If you die, all hope will be gone as well."   
  
Jack studies Yani's face, trying to make out if she is lying to him or now. Why would him being alive be so important to this goa'uld? "Then why make you care for me and not just put me in a sarcophagus or use a healing device?"   
  
"They would take away your pain. I can tend to your wounds but I do not have the power to relieve you. I can merely make sure you will not die from them." Yani explains patiently and then gently loosens his grip on her wrist and pulls away. She stands up and smiles sadly at him. "I wish I could do more but I am not allowed to. Try and get some rest before it is too late, you will need it."   
  
Her words still hang in the room when already he can hear the footsteps of Jaffa approaching his prison cell, although Amnesty International would probably debate about whether or not it deserves to be called that. All it seems to have are three walls, bars, a thin blanket and lots of moist spots.   
  
The footsteps come to a standstill right in front of his prison and Jack shuts his eyes, hoping the Jaffa will think that he is sleeping. He can hear the key in the lock and the lighter sound of Yani leaving the room.   
  
"Is he better?" A Jaffa asks her in a rough commanding voice.   
  
Yani doesn't seem to be impressed though and her voice sounds as calm as ever when she replies. "Yes, but he is sleeping now. He needs more rest."   
  
"Will he survive if we take him now?" The Jaffa insists, clearly not giving a damn about Jack's beauty sleep.   
  
A soft sigh escapes Yani's lips. "Yes."   
  
"Good, you can go." The Jaffa dismisses her and then the heavy metallic footsteps enter the room.   
  
"WAKE UP!" The Jaffa orders him and his heavy boot hits his chest, making Jack cry out in pain as he hadn't seen the kick coming. "STAND UP!" He barks and when Jack tries to get on his feet, it apparently isn't fast enough. Two strong hands jerk him up and violently push him outside the room.   
  
Jack stumbles over his feet but tries to remain standing as his whole chest pounds in agony. Yani is still standing outside his cell and moves forward, helping him keep his balance.   
  
The Jaffa ignore her and one pushes him in the back, urging him to walk and follow the leader. Jack's eyes settle on Yani's kind face, drawing strength there.   
  
"I am sure Carter will be waiting for you to come home." The woman whispers before her hands drop away and he loses his support. Jack just nods and forces his feet to move one before the other. Every time they meet the ground it sends a wave of pain coursing through his whole body. They lead him into a small confined room that is barely lit. A penetrating stench fills his nostrils, it's a combination of sweat, vomit and blood. His body tenses as he realises all the smells in here are his.   
  
"KNEEL!" Comes the demand and as he doesn't act right away a Jaffa knocks his feet from under him so his knees meet the hard cold ground. The impact makes him shudder as it feels like someone is trying to do open heart surgery. He wishes he would pass out right away but the cruel and haunting laugh from his interrogator tells him they're only just beginning._   
  
***   
  
Jack O'Neill tears himself up from where he is lying, something is obstructing his movement, trying to keep him from sitting up. His hands move to his chest and he pulls off various wires that were attached to him. Right away a silence settles in his mind as the strange beeping sound stops. His eyes wide open, the first thing he notices is the blinding lights around him. Just a second ago everything had been dark and he wonders what kind of sick game his captor has in mind next. But he would be damned if he would play along, his mind settles on one task: getting out of here. He could worry about his aching muscles and the world spinning later. As he moves his arm to get up this time a tube in his arm prevents him. Growling he wants to yank it out of his vein, really not appreciating being drugged.   
  
"Colonel!" A voice shouts from the other side of the room. He panics. They saw him, they would get him and bring him back to the room. His instincts once again tell him to get out of here and he tightens his hold on the tube in his arm, ready to pull it out when all of a sudden a hand covers his.   
  
"Sir, don't." It is another voice that speaks to him now. She isn't commanding him but pleading with him. The hand covering his doesn't feel rough and doesn't inflict pain. Jack flinches and makes his body smaller, anticipating to receive a blow to the head or anything that would hurt him but it doesn't come. Instead the hand very gently loosens his grip on the tube. He knows the voice and finds something soothing in it but he knows he might be deceived. It could be a trick, a mind game. His hand trembles in hers but she doesn't let go. Gentle fingers stroke over the back of his hand as she lies it down on his lap.   
  
"It's alright, Jack. You're safe. No one is going to hurt you here." She whispers to him, his name on her lips having a strange impact. He isn't sure why but he believes her. Her hands now move to his shoulders and very carefully she pushes him back down unto the bed.   
  
For the first time Jack allows himself to look up at her and what he sees makes him gasp for air. Bright blue eyes are looking back at him and her face is kind and compassionate as her lips move to continue speaking those soothing words. Her hand moves up from his shoulder and soft fingers stroke his cheek as all he can do is stare at her. The fingers move higher, over his temple and into his hair. He closes his eyes and concentrates on her touch. It makes him forget about the pain in his body. His heart settles down again as he listens to her soft voice. Slowly he remembers that he isn't any longer in the prison, that he is safe in the infirmary of the SGC and that no matter what *she* would never let him get hurt. His breathing settles down and once again sleep seem to be luring until he feels the hand remaining on his shoulder move, warning him that she is leaving.   
  
Right away Jack's eyes open and he grasps her wrist. "Carter..."   
  
"It's alright, sir. I'm here." Sam assures him and as she looks into his eyes a smile curves her lips. He realises how much he has missed that sight and his hand tightens on her wrist.   
  
"You waited for me to come home." Jack whispers and the smile fades again as the fingers going through his hair stop moving. Her blue eyes become glassed over with tears and her body shudders as she draws in a deep breath. "Sam? What's wrong?" He asks worried and reaches his hand out, his fingertips brushing her cheek.   
  
She closes her eyes as if she's in pain and for a second he is scared she is going to pull away. Instead her fingers tighten their hold on his shoulder and he can feel her putting her weight unto the arm as if to support herself. "I'm so sorry, sir. I shouldn't have left you. I should have..." She starts, the tears brimming dangerously in her eyes but he doesn't let her finish her sentence. Instead the fingers slip over her lips and he holds them there, stopping her apology.   
  
"I gave you an order." He reminds her but she shakes her head and opens her mouth to argue but again he doesn't let her. "I needed you to be safe. It was the only thing that kept me sane in there. As long as I knew that you were alright I could go through anything because I knew you were waiting for me to come back."   
  
"I thought you were dead." Sam interrupts him. "I thought you were dead and they made me take your place. They gave me SG-1, they promoted me, I didn't try anything to go look for you. I left you there to die." Her voice is thick with emotions, the pain so evident in them as a tear runs down her cheek.   
  
"No, Sam. You didn't." Jack shakes his head and strokes away the teardrop. "You kept me going. I asked you to live for me and you did. I wouldn't have wanted any other officer to have taken my place on SG-1. You're the only one I trust with that. And you couldn't have gone looking for me because frankly you wouldn't have found me. You did what they expected you to do and I know for sure you did the best you could." Her mouth opens again but he places his finger once more on her lips. "Without you, I wouldn't have been here. I would have given up a long time ago. But it was your face, the idea of you waiting for me to come back home, that gave me the strength to keep going. Day in, day out it was you that kept me sane."   
  
Sam sighs and Jack can feel the air brushing over his hand. "But I didn't wait." She protests once again.   
  
Jack wishes he has something to prove to her that she really did because in his mind he knows it is true. Then his eyes notice the dull glitter coming from her dogtags that found their way from under her t-shirt. "Yes, you did." He moves his hand away from her face and touches the plaques. "Yes, you did."   
  
Sam's eyes move from his face toward his hand and she notices the three dogtags there. A sob escapes her throat as the walls that she had held up come tumbling down. She all but sags down on the bed and throws her arms around his neck, embracing him as tightly as she dares to, scared to hurt his already aching body. Jack seems to throw caution to the wind though as his arms wind around her and he pulls her down against him, burying his face in her neck.   
  
Finally, at last he is home.   
  
***   
  
Janet finds herself staring through the window of her office towards the Colonel's bed. He had woken up earlier, clearly disorientated and unaware of where he was. It was Sam's presence that seemed to have calmed him down. When she had seen the way he had woken up, Janet had raced towards him and called out when she noticed he was about to tear the IV out of his arm. Just the sound of her voice seemed to have made him panic even more. Luckily Sam hadn't disappeared the night before. Instead she had settled herself down in a chair near his bed and remained there the whole night. A blessing it seems now as Janet can't imagine that anyone else could have brought Jack back to the present.   
  
The doctor sighs as she realises that he still has a long way to go before he would handle these new demons. At least he wouldn't be facing them alone. She smiles as she watches how Sam is whispering to the Colonel who is listening to her every word with his eyes closed. They're both smiling and Janet can't help but grin about that.   
  
There is a soft rap on the door and a head peaks in.   
  
"You busy?" Daniel Jackson asks. She shakes her head and he invites himself into her office. His eyes right away move into the infirmary and a smile of his own appears. "I'm glad to see them talking. I really didn't know what to think when Sam pulled that vanishing trick last night."   
  
Janet nods and looks away from the Colonel and Sam. "I guess she needed to sort some things out first. She turned up in the middle of the night."   
  
Daniel merely nods and turns around, facing Doctor Fraiser. "Will he be alright?" He asks concerned about his friend.   
  
Janet swallows. "I hope so but I think only time will tell. And mostly it will depend on whether or not he wants to heal himself."   
  
The archaeologist nods and seems to weigh her words. They both know about Jack's stubbornness to allow himself some peace of mind. "General Hammond requested a debriefing together with SG-1 in an hour." He informs Janet.   
  
She just nods and sighs as her eyes drift towards Sam and Jack again. Carter isn't talking anymore as it seems that O'Neill finally drifted asleep again. "Let me guess, he wants to talk to the Colonel."   
  
"Of course he wants that. We all want to know what happened." Daniel points out.   
  
"I know Daniel, so do I." She watches Sam straighten the sheets and there is a tenderness in her movements that betrays just how much she missed the man. "I'm just worried about how prepared Jack will be to tell us."   
  
"So am I." Comes the soft reply as Daniel is watching Sam as well.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED   
  
A/N: Once again thank you everyone for sticking with me on this. I wasn't sure where to take this next chapter but the reviews made me make up my mind. Yes, it is a fluffy chapter and what can I say? I'm a sucker for fluffiness. Sam and Jack did deserve some sort of break from tormenting themselves, I think. Please let me know if you like where this is going.   
  
Angel of fire, I considered explaining what Sam said the night before but then thought that sometimes the imagination is just more powerful than anything I can put down here.   
  
Angela, I swear I am updating this story as fast as my muse allows me to! Thanks for your patience and I hope the waiting has been worth it.   
  
A/N²: In the meanwhile I just couldn't resist myself and made my own fan fiction page. Please feel free to pay me a visit there! http://users.skynet.be/semperarchive/stargate/sg-1.html   
  



	5. Chapter 5: Questions

Chapter 5: Questions  
  
by Jara

_In my dream I was drowning my sorrows  
But my sorrows, they learned to swim  
Surrounding me, going down on me  
Spilling over the brim_   
  
(U2 - Until the End of the World)   
  
It is strange how quickly SG-1 seems to forget that over the past year they had a replacement for Colonel Jack O'Neill. Now with the former back at the SGC it seems the most natural thing that when General Hammond says he wants a debriefing with Doctor Fraiser and SG-1 that it will not include Captain Moore.   
  
Carter and Janet are the last to enter the briefing room and take their seats each at the other side of Hammond. Janet places a stack of files down in front of her and lets out a deep sigh. She and Sam were the last to leave the Colonel behind in the infirmary so he could get some more rest. The determined set of his jaw told Janet he would be trying all his best to not close an eye. She can't blame him.   
  
"I think we all know why we are here." Hammond doesn't even try to bother with formalities, instead his eyes go toward the doctor and with a small nod he gives her permission to take the word.   
  
Janet doesn't answer right away, her hand moves over the file and then she carefully opens it up as if the papers are the patient itself. She can feel the eyes resting on her, each of them wanting to know how their friend, fellow warrior, 2IC,... is doing. Taking in a deep breath Janet decides she better get this over and done with.   
  
"I have run every test imaginable on Colonel O'Neill, as far as I can tell he really is our O'Neill. There is nothing that suggests that he has been tampered with although we can't always say that for sure." She starts, her eyes fixed on the file. "Although he hasn't talked yet about what happened to him, I believe it is safe to say that like he said to Colonel Carter he was held a prisoner by a goa'uld. There is scar tissue present all over his body and half of the bones of his body has been broken at least once during the period he was gone. I have also found evidence indicating that they used a ribbon device on him although this particular goa'uld seems to have a thing for torturing in a more crude way. I believe that many of his wounds might be inflicted by a knife." She pauses and stares down at her hands to notice she is browsing through the various notes she had taken about the Colonel's injures. "It is a miracle really that he isn't in a worse condition than he is. Most of the fractures have healed almost perfectly, I couldn't have done a better job myself. It's almost amazing that he is still alive. He had a wound on his chest that probably went pretty deep and could easily have killed him."   
  
She takes a deep breath and looks up from the file to find Sam is staring down at the hands in her lap. Although Janet knows how this infects Sam, she seems to keep her emotions in check, only the angry frown betrays how much she would like to hurt whoever did this to the Colonel. The same kind of anger is easily to read in Doctor Jackson but most of all he seems to be worried about his friend. Even Teal'c doesn't seem impartial, the dark glitter in his eyes tells Janet that the Jaffa knows all too well what kind of things O'Neill will have gone through.   
  
"Will he fully recover?" General Hammond asks, a father like concern in his voice.   
  
"Physically, with the right kind of training he probably will... eventually. He still suffers from malnutrition, I have him on an IV to deal with the anaemia but his body has gone through a lot. It will take time and patience, lots of it, before he is back in condition again. It still is amazing though, after such a long time in a goa'uld prison I would expect him to be in a much worse state." Janet answers truthfully.   
  
"O'Neill is a strong man." Teal'c says confident about his friends abilities.   
  
"Ow, I know that. But even for Colonel O'Neill this is exceptional. It seems like someone tended to his wounds." It had been bugging her for a while now, how it could be possible for his fractures to have set so nicely. "For example that cut he had across his chest. If he wouldn't have died from the injury or the blood loss, he would have died from the infection without the proper cares and antibiotics."   
  
"Maybe they used a healing device or a sarcophagus?" Daniel suggests.   
  
Janet shakes her head. "No, both those would heal the wound completely, there wouldn't be any scare tissue. Besides, there is really nothing in his blood indicating that he used a sarcophagus."   
  
"What are you saying? That they had a doctor who took care of him?" Sam finally looks up from her lap and meets the Doctor's eyes.   
  
"The goa'uld do not use doctors. They have no need for them." Teal'c informs them right away.   
  
"Maybe it was a fellow prisoner?" Daniel suggests.   
  
Janet shrugs. "Could be, but honestly I have no idea. It seems very unlikely that a prisoner would have access to the medicines to prevent an infection. Whoever took care of him did a great job though. The Colonel owns his life to them."   
  
General Hammond frowns. "It seems the Colonel himself will have to inform us about what happened." He turns towards Fraiser to ask her about whether or not O'Neill is in any condition to talk about it but Janet beats him to it.   
  
"I honestly don't know, sir. He might be relatively good physically but psychologically it's a whole different story. Earlier this morning he suffered from a nightmare that got him really upset." Janet doesn't look at Sam even though she knows that she is watching her. The doctor decides that General Hammond doesn't need to know about Sam's assistance at calming the Colonel down.   
  
Hammond nods, understanding what the doctor means. "I know it will take a while before the Colonel will be able to talk openly about this but there are answers that we need to have. Like whether or not we should be expecting the goa'uld to come knocking on our door to get him back. Where he was captured so we can avoid going to that planet and losing a team in that prison. Who knows, maybe we even have to go there."   
  
"I understand, General." Janet answers but she shakes her head. "I'm just afraid the experience might be too traumatic for him. I have to get a psychological evaluation but knowing Colonel O'Neill and his history with psychiatrists..."   
  
"... that won't go down very well." Daniel finishes her sentence with a sigh.   
  
Janet nods. "He still has to talk to a professional though but I don't think he'll be wrapped about it."   
  
"Maybe talking to someone more familiar to him will be easier." Hammond suggests and notices how both Janet and Daniel look at Carter.   
  
"What?" The Colonel asks confused acting as if she doesn't know why they're looking at her.   
  
"Even though it will help Colonel O'Neill," Janet turns back towards the General. "Sam or any other member of SG-1 for that matter, isn't a psychiatrist. Talking to his friends might help but... it just isn't the same. He needs professional help."   
  
"He won't accept it." Sam cuts in, knowing that for sure.   
  
"I'm afraid he doesn't have much choice." Hammond points out. "We have to get some answer, as soon as possible. Doctor Fraiser, I want you to try and convince Colonel O'Neill that he should talk to someone. If not right away with Doctor MacKenzie, then to someone else but in the end he'll have to talk to a professional."   
  
"Yes, sir." Doctor Fraiser nods. She doesn't like having to push Jack into talking but General Hammond is right, they need answers to make sure the base is safe.   
  
"Alright then." George looks at everyone sitting around the table. "SG-1 you are on stand down until we know more about Colonel O'Neill's condition. I'm sure he can use seeing some friendly faces around him." He nods at them and stands up. "You're dismissed. Doctor, keep me posted." With that he leaves the room, giving SG-1 some time to think about everything that has been said. Daniel, Teal'c, Sam and Janet remain seated around the table, a silence descending between them as they take in the words.   
  
"Do you think he'll want to talk about it to anyone one of us?" Daniel asks eventually.   
  
"I guess there's only one way to find out." Fraiser answers and stands up. The others follow her example and the four of them head towards the infirmary.   
  
***   
  
Jack stares up at the ceiling, the Doctor and Sam had left him alone fifteen minutes ago and already he is bored to death. A nurse walks up to his bed, checks something out and then disappears again without saying a word. Not that he wants her to speak to him, he wouldn't have a clue what to say to her anyway. 'Ow, hello. I've been missing for a year and eight months. So what's new?' Maybe he should just try to get some sleep after all, like Fraiser insisted he would.   
  
No, he doesn't want to sleep. He doesn't want the dreams to come back to him. For all he cares, he never wants to remember that place ever again. Jack stubbornly forces his eyes wide open and denies that he feels anything even resembling tired.   
  
He is not tired.   
  
He is not tired.   
  
He is not...   
  
Concentrate on the nurse, her footsteps going through the infirmary. She opens a cabinet, closes it again and walks towards the small desk in the corner. The chair scraping against the floor, the sound of her heels and then it's quiet as she sits down. Some shuffling of papers and now the only sound left is that of a fountain pen scratching over the surface of a sheet of paper. She's writing, her hand follows the pen over the paper. Scratching, dotting i's, crossing t's, her hand moving over the paper and all the while the constant scratching of the pen. It's hypnotic, soothing and relaxing and soon Jack O'Neill is lulled to sleep by the monotonous sounds.   
  
***   
  
_ Briefly Jack wonders how long they have been keeping him inside this room. The aching in his body tells him it must be days but he doubts that the goa'uld wouldn't leave even once in such a long time.   
  
"You will answer my question." The goa'uld demands, and has been demanding for a while now. Not that Jack gives a damn. For all he cares he can just go and...   
  
"Humph." A hard fist ends in his stomach and Jack gasps for air. Somewhere he is grateful that this time they didn't go for the ribs.   
  
"Answer!" The demanding tone makes it clear that the goa'uld is losing his patience rapidly. Good, maybe then he could finally go back to his nice and damp cell.   
  
"No!" He replies stubbornly. This time an invisible force hits him square across the chest, sending him flying with his back against the wall. The collision with the hard stone sends a searing pain through his already throbbing, aching and bleeding body.   
  
The goa'uld steps forward from the shadows and his Jaffa pull Jack up roughly so he is sitting on his knees. A strong hand grabs hold of his chin and he is forced to look up at the snakehead.   
  
"You will tell me how to open your shield." He orders in a metallic but eerily calm voice.   
  
"Or what?" O'Neill glares at him, wondering how impressive it is coming from someone who feels like he's dying.   
  
The goa'uld smirks. "You are a remarkable species, the Tauri. Much more resilient than your frail bodies would let you believe."   
  
"Flattery won't get you anywhere." Jack hears himself reply and he wonders how he can seem so calm when his whole body is shivering.   
  
"I do not expect that it will." The goa'uld replies and stretches out his arm. "But maybe this will."   
  
Before Jack can reply the ribbon device starts glowing and the white light aimed towards him brings with it a whole new and even more unpleasant pain. He wants to cry out but it seems that his voice has left him entirely. The only thing keeping him sitting up is the iron grip of the Jaffa, making him sit in place so their 'god' can torture him as much as he likes too. The pain drives into his skull, blinding him, making everything fade except for the wish to die, to just get this over with.   
  
And then ... it stops.   
  
The white light disappears and Jack would fall to the ground but once again the Jaffa keep him straight. Slowly the awareness of the room around him comes back accompanied by his torturer's voice.   
  
"Tell me how to open the shield to the earth's stargate and I will let you live." The goa'uld proposes.   
  
Yani's words are still fresh on Jack's mind and he grins triumphantly. "You won't kill me." He says determined, praying that Yani told him the truth.   
  
For a second there is silence and then the goa'uld laughs out loud. "I see Yani talked to you." He smirks and Jack panics, maybe his suspicions were right and the woman is a spy after all.   
  
"Tell me. How does it feel, Colonel O'Neill, to know that there will come no end to this torture? That you are mine and you will not find the sweet relief of death?"   
  
The goa'uld leans closer and Jack tries as hard as he can to keep his face neutral. He doesn't want the goa'uld to see how much that thought terrifies him. Yes, Colonel Jack O'Neill is scared, not that he'll admit it to anyone else of course. There's no way out of here, his body is too weak to carry him to the stargate, even if he knew where it is. So unless they would come and rescue him, it doesn't seem like he is going anywhere. And suddenly there is hope again in Jack O'Neill's mind. Sam wouldn't give up looking for him, if anyone would get him out of here, it would be her.   
  
The emotion must have shown on his face because the goa'uld grins. "You believe your friends will rescue you. I would not be so optimistic if I were you. No one knows of this planet, I doubt very much that they will stumble in here. Besides, for all they know you are dead."   
  
"We'll see about that." Jack growls, trying to sound like he really believes in his rescue but he knows the goa'uld is right as much as he hates admitting it to himself.   
  
"Yes, I believe we will." He takes a step back again and his eyes light up for a second. "What do you know about the Tok'ra?"   
  
The new line of questioning startles O'Neill but he doesn't let it show. "The what? What's that? Can you eat it?" He plays dumb.   
  
"Very well, if you want to do it like that. I will ask no more questions today. We have all the time in the world." The goa'uld gives in.   
  
A wave of relief washes through Jack. Finally, he could get back into his cell and let his aching body find the much needed rest. He can hear his torturer walking towards the only door in the room. Light falls inside the frame as it slides open.   
  
"Jaffa!" The goa'uld gives his servants some orders and Jack is lifted up on his feet. In the corner of his eye he can see how the goa'uld leaves the room and the doors close behind him again. Right away the room becomes darker and Jack doesn't even get time to let his eyes adjust or he is thrown back unto the ground. He closes his eyes at the impact it has on his chest. Clinging his teeth together he fights for control, losing it as soon as a heavy boot slams down on his already bruised hand.   
  
"You are not going anywhere, Tauri. We are to punish you as we see fit."   
  
"Punish me for what?" Jack hisses through gritted teeth.   
  
"Your insolence for starters." Comes the reply and the Jaffa rests his whole weight on his foot. The delicate bones in Jack's hand snap and the room fills with a sickening sound as they give way only to be drowned out by his cry of pain.   
  
"Jack!"_   
  
***   
  
"Jack, it's alright. You're just dreaming."   
  
O'Neill isn't sure if the voice belongs in the dream or in the reality. He keeps his eyes firmly shut as he fights to steady his breathing. His clothes are sticking against his skin from sweat and his hand is throbbing as if the boot really had been there. He knows it wasn't, that he is safe now because there wasn't anyone stroking through his hair in the dream.   
  
Slowly Jack opens his eyes to find Sam standing next to his bed. It's the second time today that he wakes up from a nightmare to find her there, ready to make him forget about the dreams and to allow him to kid himself that it was just that; a dream. That there isn't a reality behind them.   
  
"I know." Jack whispers and notices his mouth is dry. As if reading his mind, Sam holds out a glass of water for him. As he reaches for it he notices how his hand is shivering uncontrollably. "Damn it." He curses the sign of weakness.   
  
"It's alright, sir." She places her hands above his, steadying his hold on the glass so he won't spill half of the contents over the sheets and his hospital gown. "Does it hurt? Do you want Doctor Fraiser to get a look at it?" She asks gently, sounding sincerely concerned.   
  
It fills him with a warmth he refuses to identify and he smiles at her relieved. "No, it's alright." He knows that technically his hand isn't hurting, that it is just his mind that is still stuck somewhere in the dream.   
  
"I'll go get her anyway." Jack looks up and for the first time notices that both Daniel and Teal'c are standing beside Sam. "She needs to talk to you about something anyway." Daniel explains and then slips away, going to fetch the doctor.   
  
"I hope that talking doesn't involve needles!" Jack calls after him and he is rewarded with a soft snicker and a beautiful smile from Sam.   
  
He smiles back at her, realising how much he missed her laughing at his jokes. Somehow Yani never seemed to get his sarcasm. Jack's eyes drift towards the glass and only now he realises they're still both holding on to it. Sam's hands covering his shivering one. The warmth of her skin is flowing into his, steadying his muscles and taking away his ghost pain.   
  
"I'll be alright." He assures Carter as he feels his hand is steady again. In the back of his mind there is a voice telling him that she did that to him but he pushes it aside.   
  
Sam nods and her hands fall away from his, letting the cool air envelop his hand again as he takes a sip from the glass. Over the brim he can see how Janet enters the infirmary, Daniel on her heels. The tight set of her jaw warns O'Neill that whatever she has to talk about, it will feel as love as those needles of hers.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED   
  
A/N: Sorry it took so long for me to finish this one. Uni started again this week and I don't have as much time as the last couple of weeks. Also, this part proved to be a bit stubborn and I had a hard time making it work due to the more medical nature of it. I hope everything works out and is believable.   
  
A/N²: I did not quit on my other fics. They will all be finished. My muse is on this one though and I want to force myself to keep it here until it is finished. I'm sorry if you have to wait with the other ones but don't fear, I will end them! Thanks for sticking with me and for all the reviews, they always light up my day! 


	6. Chapter 6: One Face

Chapter 6: One Face  
  
by Jara

  
  
_Tie my hands behind my back  
Put a gag on top of my mouth  
But I won't give you up  
Till silverware's covered in dust _   
  
(Turn and Run - Neil Finn)   
  
Doctor Fraiser takes a deep breath as she looks at the assembly that has gathered around Colonel Jack O'Neill. They're all there, his whole team. Teal'c is standing as a guard at the end of the bed, his impressive posture somehow makes the infirmary feel more safe than it already his. Daniel is standing right beside her, the short movements that he is making are betraying his nervousness. On the other side of the bed is Sam, she's standing close to her former CO and her eyes are focussed on him. Something in her attitude makes her radiate another sense of safety. Not the fierce and protecting kind that Teal'c represents but a safety that comes along with feelings of tenderness and friendship. Ever since Sam turned up in the middle of the night, something seemed to be shifting between the two Colonels.   
  
Janet realises that everyone is waiting for her to continue and clears her throat. "Colonel, I know that this might not be easy..."   
  
"But you want me to tell you what happened." Jack finishes the sentence knowing fully well why his team is standing there as if they just came to tell him he's going to be executed. "I know." He adds with a sigh.   
  
"Colonel O'Neill, we know that this might not be easy for you but... there is a lot that the General needs to know. That we all need to know in order to do our jobs right." Janet tries to appeal to Jack's sense of duty.   
  
"Yes and a lot is at stake. I know the deal, Doc. You don't need to point out the obvious to me." O'Neill answers slightly annoyed.   
  
"Maybe it would be easier to write it down?" Daniel offers but Jack shakes his head.   
  
"Let's just get this over and done with, Danny boy. OK?" The Colonel looks defiantly at each of his friends, daring them to argue.   
  
Somehow Janet just hadn't expected him to want to do this but she figures this is probably just for the best. "Ok, Colonel. Let's get this over with. But if at any moment you need to take a break you should tell us." She insists.   
  
"Won't happen, Doc." Jack assures her confidently.   
  
"Sir, perhaps you would just like to speak to Doctor Fraiser or Daniel?" Sam suggests softly. His head directly turns towards her and the two stare at each other for a while. Each trying to calculate what is going on in the other's mind.   
  
"No, it's alright. It's not like you're not going to find out anyway." Colonel O'Neill replies and with that things seem to be settled. There is some commotion as everyone but Teal'c finds a comfortable spot to sit. Daniel gets out some paper and a pen to take notes about anything that might be useful. Sam pulls up a chair and takes a seat next to her CO. Nothing too obviously close, but not too far away from his side either.   
  
***   
  
"So where do you want me to start?" Jack asks. The sooner he gets this over with, the better. He wants to tell them everything they need to know and then just forget about it all. That's always what he had been best at: deny anything is wrong and just push it in the dark recesses of his soul to let it fester without even being aware of it. Some shrinks might not find that *healthy* but as far as Jack O'Neill is concerned it's the best way to deal with it. What did they know anyway? It's not like they ever went through the same and his method had proven effective... with one exception.   
  
"How about from the start?" Daniel suggests. "Sam told us that you gave her the order to leave and then she heard a zat being fired. We thought you were dead."   
  
Jack swallows. So all this time he kept hoping for them to come to his rescue, they had considered him dead...gone...worm food.   
  
"Especially after Teal'c told us you guys put up explosives all over the ship." Daniel adds.   
  
Galactic worm food.   
  
"No, I wasn't dead. The zat wasn't aimed at me." Jack explains and an uncomfortable silence settles in the infirmary.   
  
"It wasn't?" Sam asks unsure after a while. It's not hard to notice how much this information bothers her.   
  
Jack turns towards her and shakes his head. "No, it was aimed at you. If you had stayed a second longer you would have been hit and we both could have played dead." He wants her to realise that she couldn't have done anything, even if she had known that.   
  
The words don't seem to sink in though as Sam pales. "Oh god." She mumbles and buries her face in her hands.   
  
"Sam, you couldn't have done anything." Janet assures her gently.   
  
"Yeah, listen to the doc." O'Neill agrees and reaches out for her. His fingers wrap around her wrist and he pulls softly, making her look up at him. "You couldn't have done anything."   
  
"Yes, we could! We could have taken a team and headed back through the stargate!" Carter protests, not going to let herself so easily off the hook.   
  
"No, you couldn't!" Jack argues. "As soon as the wormhole disintegrated behind you the Jaffa dialed out. They picked me up and brought me back to the home planet of their snakehead. There was nothing any of you could have done!"   
  
"Do you know what planet that was? Do you have the co-ordinates?" Daniel asks right away, reminding everyone that they're here to learn what happened to Jack O'Neill and not what they could or couldn't have done to prevent it from happening.   
  
"It doesn't matter." Jack answers flatly making the archaeologist look confused.   
  
"What do you mean: 'it doesn't matter'?" Daniel insists.   
  
"Just like I said it: it doesn't matter!" Jack answers testily.   
  
Daniel shakes his head energetically. "Yes, it does! What if they want to come after you or attack earth?!"   
  
"They won't." Jack growls and crosses his arms defensively.   
  
"You don't know that for sure!"   
  
"Yes I do, Daniel." O'Neill glares at Daniel. "You have no idea what you're talking about so believe me when I say that they won't come after us." Jack is clearly getting wound up about this. His eyes are glittering with anger and every muscles in his body seems to be tense and alert, ready to pound his friend if he keeps this line of questioning up.   
  
Janet notices and shoots Daniel, who has his mouth open to argue some more, a warning look to not aggravate the Colonel further. He nods in understanding and skips to his next question. "Ok then, do you know who the goa'uld was that they brought you to?" The archaeologist tries to sound as calm as possible.   
  
Jack seems to relax a bit as Daniel drops his questions about the planet. "Menes, apparently the goa'uld that had taken you and Carter as prisoners was his lackey."   
  
"Menes?" Daniel asks right away, a look of surprise on his face.   
  
Jack nods. "Yeah, Menes."   
  
"Wow, that's amazing. It's believed that Menes - Meni is a fictitious figure."   
  
"Well he sure didn't feel fictitious." Jack shoots a menacing glare at Daniel.   
  
"No, really. In legends and lists he is considered as the first pharaoh of Egypt. Some think he is Marner but it's really not sure. He's more like King Arthur, a figure made up to combine the acts of different other kings." Daniel doesn't notice the annoyed look on Jack's face and continues to babble eagerly.   
  
"Who says King Arthur is made up?" Jack shoots back. It really isn't the comment anyone was expecting.   
  
"Ow come on, Jack. You can't tell me you believe King Arthur existed!" Right away the archaeologist gets into the discussion. He would probably take it even further if it wasn't for the glare he receives from Colonel Samantha Carter.   
  
"What do you know about this Menes?" Sam asks Daniel hoping they'll stop the argument. She knows that the Colonel isn't so much interested in discussing whether or not King Arthur existed. It's just an attempt to keep them away from the more serious questions.   
  
"Well Menes basically made the foundations for Ancient Egypt. He was considered a link between the gods and the human kings. A demigod of some sort. Horus himself gave him the throne of Egypt." Doctor Jackson explains and frowns. "Which probably means that he was a goa'uld."   
  
"Was? Hello! I've been tortured by the guy, that pretty much means he still is!" Jack remarks agitated. His friends immediately look at him as this is the first time he with so many words told them about what really happened. Of course they already figured as much but this seemed to be a step in the right correction.   
  
"Yeah, that's what I mean." Daniel nods and looks at Teal'c. "Have you heard of this goa'uld?"   
  
"I have indeed." Teal'c bows his head slightly. "Menes is the son of Horus."   
  
"Son?" Daniel asks interested as this part isn't in the mythology.   
  
"Yes, he is Harcisis. Horus wanted him to be his follower but then the Tauri revolted and the gods were forced to leave earth. However because Menes is Harcisis, a lot of goa'uld would rather see him dead."   
  
"He's Harcisis?" Everyone's eyes are resting on the Jaffa.   
  
"He is." Teal'c nods.   
  
"Wow, that could mean..." Daniel starts but O'Neill isn't in the mood for it.   
  
"Mean what, Daniel? He's a goa'uld and he's on the run. You're not going to find him!" Jack exclaims. "Now can we get back to the point and get this over and done with?"   
  
Daniel looks confused at Sam who just shrugs. "Yeah, I guess so."   
  
"Sir?" Sam asks softly but right away gets his attention. "You said the goa'uld tortured you?" It's more a statement but Jack none the less nods. "What did they want to know?"   
  
Jack swallows and closes his eyes for a minute. When he opens them again, they are darker than usual. "Everything?"   
  
Carter's look tells him that won't do as an answer. He sighs and continues. "How to get to the Tok'ra, what earth's defences are, which planets have agreed to an alliance, what the Asgard's weaknesses are...You name it, he asked it. Of course there always is the favourite question of every snakehead in the universe: 'how do you open the iris?'"   
  
"Did you...?" Sam seems almost scared to ask the question, reluctance clearly visible in her blue eyes.   
  
"Tell?" Jack asks her but he doesn't wait for an answer. "No, of course not. I didn't give him anything." He shakes his head and a grimace appears on his face.   
  
***   
  
_Pain, throbbing, stinging, throbbing, sharp, pounding, searing pain.   
  
He doubted he ever felt this bad in his life before. Somehow he had expected that when every bone and muscle in your body aches that it would eventually numb most of it and concentrate on the one biggest pain. No such luck though, he could feel them all at once and even remembered how they all came to be. Every slap, stab and kick was imprinted in his mind sharply.   
  
"You will beg for mercy, human." The distinct timbre of the goa'uld breaks through the blackness the pain had thrown up around Jack. "You will tell me how to open the shield to your chappai."   
  
"Go to hell." Jack growls, tired of repeating his name and number. There was only so many times you could repeat that, especially with the headache that had been entertaining him for a while now.   
  
It's like he can feel the goa'uld's eyes glowing. "You will beg for mercy soon enough." He assures Jack as the Jaffa twists the knife in his legs around.   
  
"In your dreams." Jack hisses between his teeth. The knife drives deeper into his flesh, sending new waves of pain up his leg.   
  
"Tell me and there will come an end to your suffering. You will die in honour." The goa'uld tries to seduce him.   
  
"You know, I never was the kind of guy to fall for the hero's death." Jack retorts but it almost seems alluring. No more pain, no more snakeheads and their irritating questions.   
  
All of a sudden the Jaffa pulls out the knife from his leg and Jack almost wishes they just had kept it there. Not for long though as soon the knife punctures the skin in his other leg. He curses under his breath and keeps his eyes tightly shut. He will not cry out, he will not cry out, he will not...   
  
A loud scream penetrates the foul and stinking air of the torture room as the Jaffa twists the knife inside the wound.   
  
"Answer!" Comes the demanding voice again.   
  
For a second Jack considers just telling the goa'uld so finally the pain would end. Then he remembers what he is suffering for, the world that lies safely behind the iris. Millions of people, cities, countries, The Simpsons,... but in the end it isn't for any of those that he stays silent. One face, one single face, keeps him from spilling his guts. The memory of her blue eyes, the trust clearly visible in them. The one and only person he never in his life wants to disappoint. He takes in a deep breath and opens his eyes to look at the goa'uld.   
  
"NEVER!"_   
  
***   
  
"Not a damn thing." Jack whispers and notices the concerned faces around him as he must have drifted off.   
  
"You alright, Colonel?" Doctor Fraiser asks as she checks his pulse and realises he must be getting tired.   
  
"Just peachy." He mutters and pinches the bridge of his nose.   
  
"Maybe you should try and get some sleep?" Janet proposes gently.   
  
Jack opens his eyes and shakes his head. "No, I'm good." He says determined to get through this conversation.   
  
"Ok, then I have a question for you." Fraiser studies the Colonel's face for a hint that he might not really be up to this. As there is none, she continues. "Who tended to your wounds? Did you have a doctor there because there is no way you could have recovered from many of those injuries without the proper care."   
  
"Yani." Jack simply replies.   
  
Of course the answer is not good enough. "Who?" Daniel asks.   
  
"Yani, she was a native. A healer." Although the Colonel might not admit it to anyone else, he's starting to get tired and his words come out slightly slurred with long pauses between them.   
  
"That just doesn't make sense. Why heal you when trying to torture you?" Doctor Jackson ponders. "And why not heal you with a healing device?"   
  
"I was... too important." The words come out strained. "No healing device... pain." Jack shuts his eyes tightly.   
  
"I don't get it. Why not just make him a host and get the information out of him like that?" Daniel mutters to Teal'c. Jack is only vaguely aware of the voices and even less who they belong to but the words stick in his head.   
  
***   
  
_A soft click warns Jack O'Neill that the door to his cell has been unlocked. Soon it is followed by a soft screeching sound as someone pushes it further open. Footsteps enter the room but they don't have the distinct sound of the Jaffa's boots. He wishes that he could turn his head and see for sure who is approaching but his neck is too stiff to move.   
  
"Jack?" A hushed voice whispers as he can hear her crouching down beside him.   
  
"Yeah?" A soft hand touches his shoulder.   
  
"We need to get you out of here. Menes is desperate, he wants to make you his host." She whispers.   
  
Jack swallows and tries to sit up but his muscles protest. _   
  
***   
  
"Don't move. Just lie still, it will be alright." The hand is still there, accompanying the gently voice. It isn't Yani's but it could easily be her words. "It's going to be alright, Colonel."   
  
Colonel, the rank seems strange and unfamiliar. He vaguely is aware of the duties it carries with it. But still, it seems so far away.   
  
"Just relax." He stops struggling against the hand that his keeping his shoulder down on the bed.   
  
***   
  
_"I know but you have to get up. We have to leave now while the guards are distracted."   
  
Jack doesn't know how she did it but suddenly he is sitting up. Yani's arm is tightly wrapped around his waist.   
  
"Ok and now sit up." She urges him and it takes a lot of time and struggling but they make it. In the back of his mind he seems to remember that Carter could have had him up more easily. He tries to concentrate on everything but the pain going through his body but it seems to be an impossible task. Then Jack hears the blasts of a staff weapon and he can hear voices. People are screaming but it's unclear if it's out of anger or terror.   
  
"What's going on?" He asks Yani but she doesn't answer him as she guides him through the corridors, away from the screams.   
  
'Pain,' he realises. Not anger but pain and fear.   
  
"What's going on?" He repeats his question more agitated.   
  
"Shhh, keep your voice down." Yani warns him as she looks before her. "They're cleaning." He can hear how she is trying to sound detached, as if this isn't affecting her or him. But Jack O'Neill knows better, he has tried to live that lie for far too long._   
  
***   
  
"Daniel, Teal'c. I suggest you two leave for now. I'll call you when the Colonel is feeling better again." A woman's voice orders the two man but it's drowned out.   
  
The only thing Jack O'Neill listens to is the other voice, much closer to him. She seems nameless right now but he knows that when he opens his eyes he will find two blue eyes watching over him.   
  
"It's alright, Jack. You're safe here."   
  
He closes his eyes and concentrates on that promise as the sedatives set in and the enticing dark and dreamless sleep takes over his senses.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED   
  
A/N: I know this has taken longer to update. My apologies but things have been really busy. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Like always reviews are more than welcome.  
  
Thanks to my newly found beta reader Ann.=) 


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